fear

I was asked to go to St. Louis to bring the baby and visit.....and i have decided to go,
but I am scared, like am i going into a trap, why do they want me to come, i have so many questions will my dad ever love me again, will he except my baby? if he doesn't how will i feel? i don't want my baby to miss out on a relationship with his grandfather. Me and my dad used to be so close, i loved being around him and i feel that he loved being around me, i don't know what happend i don't know how to get back to how it was....but even if me and him never get back to how it used to be, but my baby did nothing but be born, he didn't ask to be here, but he is here and he shouldn't be punished for what ever i did. I am excited to see everyone else ppl I haven't seen in 2 yrs. for them to see my little man and enjoy how special he is. I have him in this swing and it sounds like he is pooping lol, who knew that you could get so much joy from poop..... sometimes i feel sad that things are not better between me and my dad, and sometimes i feel mad that he is acting so mean. i don't know what to think or what to do but i am bracing myself for the worse

Holiday's

So Christmas is around the corner and i'm excited and yet nervous at the same time. this is AJ's first Christmas and I'm not feeling very festive this year. we don't have a tree, or lights, or anything. I just don't don't know I mean he isn't one yet so I don't know if he even knows what it all means. and at times i feel like I'm depriving him of the Christmas spirit, like is he going to grow up and remember this year and think that its just another day? idk, who knew motherhood would be like this......everything makes you think, makes you wounder, makes you smile, makes you cry, i have been through every emotion in the past three months than i have in my whole life..... but would i trade it or go back in time...no never

Alone

Sometimes I feel like I am raising my son alone, I mean I am still with the father but I never really get any help. I cant even take a shower w/o the fear that something is going to happen. Today I asked him to watch the baby while I get ready for work, and he tells me I'm tired, I have a lot of respect for moms who are doing it alone alone, because its not easy. it almost seems like I have two kids not one....what would happen If i just got up and walked away, or got in the car and drove away sometimes I think like that but then I look at my baby, my son, my child and the thought goes away as quick as it came. I wouldn't want him to feel like me, to have once to had a parent who loves you and plays with you, to just turn their back on you, and you try and try to make them see you, love you again show them i'm still the same why aren't you...but they keep getting further and further away. IDK really sometimes I wish I had the type of relationship you see on tv, but I kno thats a crazy thought right?...... but any who, now that I have vented, I have realized that my son is not like normal babies ( how many moms clam that fact?) he is so special, and silly today when he woke up, he was looking at me and I was looking at him...then he ust bust out laughing and so did I, these are the moments that make everything easier....

Nothing has ever felt like this

when you hear moms talking about motherhood when you are not a mom you mistake the tired looks and crazy hair the strained voices for sadness. but what i have come to find out is although you are tired and trying to adjust to the changes, your heart and your soul is bursting with love....I had my bundle of joy and pure happiness on August 27th 2009, during the whole pregnancy i didn't know what to expect and I was terrified of that due date...i kinda felt like the count down to dooms day, i didn't know what to expect and i had soooo many questions like was it going to hurt, how long will it be, and when that day came i was even more terrified but boy was i ready i had gained 35 pounds my feet was swollen (if u could call what i had feet), my breast were huge and painful, i had bumps all over my face and not to mention the heat was killing me but i also couldn't wait to see him, to hold him, to kiss his. I was NOT mentally or physically prepared for labor i mean i watched all the videos, asked all the questions, did the research but nothing could have prepared me for it. I went to the hospital August 26th at 8:30pm 3 weeks early I had to be induced because I had a huge drop in fluid, so at 4:30am they came in started the process, i didn't know that you couldn't eat until after you gave birth and by the end i was starved :( but in the beginning everything went good but somewhere between 4:30am and 2:00pm my pump that was giving me the medicine broke no one noticed it until 2:00pm so we had to start the process over, i didn't decide to get the epidural until the last min. but getting it didn't solve any problems in fact it made it worse, but at about 9:00pm it was decided that i would need a c-section, so my little man was born 9:48pm on August 27th. when i felt his little body disconnect from mine i cried but not tears of sadness but tears of pure joy and contempt. when i first held him i was shocked, i was like that came out of me this little human was growing inside of me and now he's here WOW i still had so many uncertainties, so many questions, so much fear, but when i looked in his sweet little face i knew everything would be ok, I also knew that my life would never be the same ever.......that was three months ago and let me tell you the shock still hasn't worn off yet. they grow so fast it seems like yesterday i was pregnant and now I'm a mother once again wow.....