fear

I was asked to go to St. Louis to bring the baby and visit.....and i have decided to go,
but I am scared, like am i going into a trap, why do they want me to come, i have so many questions will my dad ever love me again, will he except my baby? if he doesn't how will i feel? i don't want my baby to miss out on a relationship with his grandfather. Me and my dad used to be so close, i loved being around him and i feel that he loved being around me, i don't know what happend i don't know how to get back to how it was....but even if me and him never get back to how it used to be, but my baby did nothing but be born, he didn't ask to be here, but he is here and he shouldn't be punished for what ever i did. I am excited to see everyone else ppl I haven't seen in 2 yrs. for them to see my little man and enjoy how special he is. I have him in this swing and it sounds like he is pooping lol, who knew that you could get so much joy from poop..... sometimes i feel sad that things are not better between me and my dad, and sometimes i feel mad that he is acting so mean. i don't know what to think or what to do but i am bracing myself for the worse

Holiday's

So Christmas is around the corner and i'm excited and yet nervous at the same time. this is AJ's first Christmas and I'm not feeling very festive this year. we don't have a tree, or lights, or anything. I just don't don't know I mean he isn't one yet so I don't know if he even knows what it all means. and at times i feel like I'm depriving him of the Christmas spirit, like is he going to grow up and remember this year and think that its just another day? idk, who knew motherhood would be like this......everything makes you think, makes you wounder, makes you smile, makes you cry, i have been through every emotion in the past three months than i have in my whole life..... but would i trade it or go back in time...no never

Alone

Sometimes I feel like I am raising my son alone, I mean I am still with the father but I never really get any help. I cant even take a shower w/o the fear that something is going to happen. Today I asked him to watch the baby while I get ready for work, and he tells me I'm tired, I have a lot of respect for moms who are doing it alone alone, because its not easy. it almost seems like I have two kids not one....what would happen If i just got up and walked away, or got in the car and drove away sometimes I think like that but then I look at my baby, my son, my child and the thought goes away as quick as it came. I wouldn't want him to feel like me, to have once to had a parent who loves you and plays with you, to just turn their back on you, and you try and try to make them see you, love you again show them i'm still the same why aren't you...but they keep getting further and further away. IDK really sometimes I wish I had the type of relationship you see on tv, but I kno thats a crazy thought right?...... but any who, now that I have vented, I have realized that my son is not like normal babies ( how many moms clam that fact?) he is so special, and silly today when he woke up, he was looking at me and I was looking at him...then he ust bust out laughing and so did I, these are the moments that make everything easier....